A Wing Too Far

Being overweight comes with a lot of baggage... and I'm not just talking about extra "junk in the trunk". I shop at places named "Big and Tall" and I'm still hungry even after Super-Sizing. I might be loosing the Battle of the Bulge, but all that changed when I transformed my generic hunger into an appetite for victory. After weeks of talking about my eating prowess, I decided to put my mouth where my mouth was and compete in the Super Bowl of eating...Wing Bowl XIV. The following story is one man's pursuit of a dream.

For those of you who might not be familiar with this event, it was started by the morning radio team at 610 WIP and has grown to be one of Philly's most outrageous and popular events. So many people show up for this event that they literally have to turn away thousands of people. They even charged $5 admission this year and still drew over 20,000 people to the Wachovia Center.

Once inside, there are parade floats, marching bands, The Wingettes, beer and of course, lots and lots of wings. Just like the Olymipcs, you must first qualify to be a contestant in the Wing Bowl. You can qualify by winning one of the preliminary events or going on the air and impressing the judges with a feat of ravenous proportions. This year contestants have qualified by doing things such as eating; a loaf of white bread in 6 mins, 2 lbs. of gefilte fish in 5 mins, a pound of cookie dough in 4 mins or chugging a jar of bleu cheese in 3 mins. I decided my best chance of getting into Wing Bowl was to compete in a qualifyer. It would give me a chance to see how I stack up against the competition and acclimate me to the rigorous conditions of competitive eating.

1 Dog Bowl
I found out that this year's Wing Bowl is going to be a virgin Wing Bowl, meaning that nobody who has competed in a former Wing Bowl could come back for this one. All I needed to do was win the Top Dog "Dog Bowl" qualifier. This was a hot dog-eating contest that required skill, suave, and the ability to eat more pork than humanly possible in a short period of time. Normally this would be like shooting fish in a barrel for me, but I noticed a couple of things that shook my confidence; the dogs were boiled instead of grilled, they were severely undercooked and there was a girl in the front row that was "hotter than donut grease" and didn't look the type to be interested in a guy that just won a hot dog eating contest. The format was a race to eat 20 dogs - winner take all, including a trip to the Dominican Republic. When the whistle blew, I began to cram dog after dog down my gullet. I thought I was doing great, but as I shoveled my 16th hot dog into my mouth, I heard the DJ say, "Ladies and Gentleman, we have a winner." It turns out that the winner wasn't me. I couldn't believe it, but I was runner-up in this contest, so if the winner somehow failed to fulfill his duties, I was on deck.

2 Big Break
I thought my 15 minutes were up and I was going to return to my everyday life of just being fat instead of "well practiced" - the eaters equivalent of a gym rat. I was just about to eat a salad when I received a call from Kenny, the promotions director at "Top Dog Sports Club." The person who beat me in the hot dog eating contest had previously competed in the Wing Bowl. This disqualified him from entering this year's contest. Here's my big break!! Now had the opportunity to go on air and qualify for Wing Bowl with an eating exhibition that would convince the judges I had the stuff to go all the way.

3 Showtime
The day of the on air audition had arrived. After careful deliberation, I decided my attempt would be to eat a 4 lbs. hamburger. I actually accomplished this feat before on a trip to Kansas City and felt comfortable that I could do it again.

The audition took place at the Borgata in front of the Gypsy Bar instead of the studio. Nothing like 4 pounds of meat coupled with tequila at 8:00am to get the blood flowing. Angelo Cataldi and the rest of the 610 WIP crew watched in amazement as I somehow fit this gargantuan burger in my mouth. I felt like a snake unhinging its jaw to fit an elephant with every bite I took.

At about 3.5 pounds into the stunt, I was out of steam and just couldn't fit anything more into me. It was literally gut check time. I looked deep inside myself and managed two more bites when I needed the trashcan... immediately.

**Those with a weak stomach,
skip this part for your own safety**

Not knowing the rule, "you heave, you leave," I spit up a couple of bites into the receptacle. I was then told I was disqualified and I panicked. I just couldn't let it end here. Before I even realized what I was doing, I was scooping up what I had thrown up into the trashcan and shoving it back into my mouth. So, after causing half of the WIP crew to nearly vomit, I was given a third and final chance to qualify for the Wing Bowl, through a 5-Minute "Wingoff" to take place at the WIP station.

4 Wingoff
By now it's clear to everyone, including myself, that I've got the drive to be in Wing Bowl, but do I have the hunger? The morning of the Wingoff I ate my best, but my 29 wings in 5 minutes were no match for a 150lb high school teacher named Dr. Winglove, who managed to eat 35. David has beaten Goliath. I realized like so many other fledgling athletes that I'm never going to reach that professional level. Of course I was saddened, but yet at the same time I was relieved that I found out before I exploded. Whatever I formerly did as training for competition will now have to be done just for the love of the game. The Wing Bowl slipped through my greasy, sauce-laded fingers, but hope never fades - there's always the Meatball Eating Contest at Carmine's.

Philadelphias' Wing Bowl Event Facts

The Wing Bowl was created by the morning radio team of 610WIP as a service to the people of Philadelphia. Since the Eagles were rarely a Super Bowl contender, the people of Philly had nothing to look forward to around the time of the Super Bowl. Wing Bowl to the rescue.

Held on the Friday before the Super Bowl, Wing Bowl has grown to be one of Philly's favorite annual events. The stories of the massive turnouts, early-morning beer drinking and impressive eating are now the stuff of urban legend in the area.

The year's Wing Bowl was won by 22-year-old Joey Chestnut from San Jose, California. He took home a 2006 Suzuki Grand Vitara S Model, valued at $20,594; a ring from Steven Singer Jewelers, valued at $5,500; a commemorative medallion and the respect of the best eaters in the nation. Chestnut established a new record this year by eating 173 wings throughout the three rounds of competition.