Atlantic City Changes Official Currency to Chip. The Rest of New Jersey Sticks with the Dollar.
- by The Disassociated Press
ATLANTIC CITY, NJ
 - Just weeks after learning that it would be exempt from a state-wide ban on indoor smoking, Atlantic City has once again taken a step to prove that it is the most unique city in New Jersey. Last Saturday, the city council voted 6-1 to change Atlantic City's official currency to the chip. While the rest of the state seemed shocked to hear the news, councilman Gary Falco says that people should not be all that surprised by the move.
"It really was the natural progression for the city," claimed the senior member of the council. "When tourists go to Mexico, they exchange their money for pesos. When they go to China, they exchange their money for...whatever they use in China. The point is that when people come to a casino in Atlantic City, they exchange their dollar bills for chips. Why should they have to change it back just to go to a strip club?"
The lone dissenting council member, Susan Howell, feels that this latest move sends a bad message to the rest of the state. "Essentially the council is saying, 'Hey, New Jersey. F*** you guys, we can do what we want.' " Initial public reaction to the change has varied, but overall seemed positive. "They are so much easier to use," gushed local cabbie Matthew Schifsky. "I always found dollar bills confusing because they were all green. Now I know if a customer hands me a red chip, I'm getting $5.I like colors."
"I'm glad they got rid of cents," proclaimed Atlantic City resident Tim Shields. "The chip has forced all prices to be round numbers. I can go to the gas station, hand the attendant a green chip, and get ten gallons of gas. It is so simple. I always thought it was stupid that gas cost two dollars,forty nine and nine-tenths cents per gallon. What the hell is nine-tenths of a cent anyways?"
There are still some folks in Atlantic City for whom the transition has not been easy. "These things are worth money?" shrieked incredulous college student Justin Alcaro. "Christ, I didn't know that! You think I'd play blackjack for twenty - dollar bills? Hell no!"
Across town, waitress Kelleigh Meredith has had to deal with some unruly customers due to the new currency. "We had another one this morning," Meredith began while tapping a tip on the table before placing it in a plastic container behind the counter. "The guy paid for his breakfast with a black chip. I called out 'FLOOR, CHANGINGONE HUNDRED!' as is our standard practice. Well, the floor man was real busy, so this gentleman had to wait an extra ten minutes before getting change. He was pretty pissed off. Then the bastard stiffed me on my tip."
Still, councilman Falco believes that most of these misunderstandings will work themselves out over time and that the city will begin to embrace its new gold standard. "Atlantic City has always been unique and this is yet another way that our great city can express itself. And if the rest of the state doesn't like it, too bad. F*** those guys, we can do what we want.
 Novelty Inventor Strikes Out with Can of Worms
VENTNOR, NJ
- Bill Jackson, the second cousin of Gary Dahl, the man who came up with the Pet Rock in the 70's, has officially called it quits after spending months and thousands of dollars marketing his own novelty product, the"Can of Worms".
Jackson expressed dismay in the lack of interest for his product.
"I thought I captured the fun of the Pet Rock, the workplace humor of a good Dilbert comic and the sentimentality of those posters with the kitten hanging from a tree that say 'Hang in There'. I don't know how it missed by so far".
The final blow to the project came when scientist discovered that the rare worms secreted a fluid that became toxic when it came in contact with metal. It turns out that opening the Can of Worms was not only a bad idea, it was potentially lethal. Despite the setback, Jackson remains positive.
He's just purchased a ranch to raise Shetland Ponies for his next project "Out of the Horse's Mouth". No comment on a launch date.
 Bell Hop Frozen
ATLANTIC CITY, NJ
-James "Buzz" Bisbee, a bellman at Resorts Atlantic City had just completed two trips from the lobby to deliver the luggage of a guest when a near-tragedy struck.
The arduous trip to carry a 15-piece luggage set including steamer trunk and snapping Chihua- hua named "Jaws" had exhausted the young bellman but the anticipation of a big tip propelled him forward.
As he extended his hand as a hint for a tip, the gesture was completely ignored. Buzz then fell into a coma-like state, frozen in this same position for about 8 hours. Paramedics rushed to the scene, but were unable to revive him. "I had one of those out-of body experiences like David Blaine when he's in a block of ice. I could see myself and the doctors, but I couldn't move". Buzz was eventually revived when a five dollar bill was placed in his hand.
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